Improve Your Listening Skills

Be a Good Listener. When you listen correctly, you send a clear message to the speaker that you understand them. When people are understood, tension and arguments end.
a. Bad listeners can be placed in 5 general categories:
(1) Identifiers-stop listening and usually interrupts because they can't wait to tell you their similar experience;
(2) Derailer-changes the subject too soon. This shows that they are not interested in what you are saying;
(3) Filterer-hears only what they want to hear;
(4) Sparer-hears what is said, but quickly belittles it or discounts it;
(5) Placater-agrees with everything they hear just to be nice or avoid conflict.
b. Good listeners. There are 4 ways to listen to a client (or a significant other, supervisor, secretary, etc.) and each is better than the other:
(1) Be quiet. Although being quiet and not interrupting shows respect for the speaker, it is the least effective listening technique. When you are just being quiet, you are usually formulating responses or arguments to prove that you are right and the speaker is wrong instead of sending a message to the speaker that what the speaker has said is important even if you disagree.
(2) Repeat back word for word what was said. A better method than to remain silent is to repeat back to the speaker in his or her own words what he or she has told you. For example, if someone says “I went to Sally’s house to tell her about Fred. I then went to tell Tina”, you should say “Oh, you drove to Sally’s then to Tina’s house.” This sends a message to the speaker that you understood what they were trying to say. If the speaker says “right” or “exactly” or similar words, you have some immediate feedback that the speaker feels understood.
(3) Repeat back a summary. An even better technique is to repeat a summary of what the speaker has said. Continuing with this example, you should say “Oh, you visited some friends?” It takes effort to concentrate enough to make mental notes and repeat back a summary. This is sensed by the speaker and the message that is sent to the speaker is that you are really listening.
(4) Reflect back the emotions. The best listening technique is to decide what emotion the speaker is experiencing and show that you understand by saying, "You were so mad at Fred that you told Sally and Tina?” Or, “So you were embarrassed when..." or "That must have made you nervous..." or "I'll bet you were really scared when...." If you could train yourself to repeat what the speaker says in a questioning manner, the speaker will believe that you are interested in what he or she has to say. For example: "Guess what, Mom! The cigarette lighter won't light the grass on fire if the grass is green!" Mom's typical response is to come unglued and rant about using the cigarette lighter. Another response that fosters communication would be: "You were trying to light the grass on fire with the cigarette lighter?" and "The green grass wouldn't light? Did you have permission to use the cigarette lighter?" In this example, nodding and repeating a summary of what your child said gives the child the feeling that he or she is really being understood. Such active listening fosters communication rather than stifling the discussion in a dictatorial manner.